My mom has been gone for just over 2 months now. 2 very long months. A few days ago would have been my parents’ 53rd anniversary. I was thinking of them both all day, and especially my dad, as he tried to make it though not just another day, but a very special day in his life, and one that should have involved a bouquet of flowers, a dinner out, and a time of sharing special memories.
But I’m not done. Just over 2 weeks ago, my aunt (my mom’s sister) took my uncle to the hospital. He hadn’t been acting quite right for awhile, and that day she knew something was wrong. Over several days and several tests, she learned my uncle has large tumors growing on his brain, and will not be with us much longer. I drove to visit him, in a city far away, leaving my kids and family, in an attempt to say goodbye and I love you, because I’m sure I’ve not been able to do that adequately up to now. I’ve been selfish and naive, thinking there’s all the time in the world. When I got home I realized my amazing kids wanted a chance to say bye too, so we drove up again and got home tonight. He knew who we were and I hope was happy to see us. When we left, I again said I love you. I’ve decided that whether you lose someone quickly, or have time to get ready, it sucks either way.
But I’m still not done. I knew another uncle, my dad’s sister’s husband, has not been well. He and my aunt have been fighting his alzheimer’s for awhile. I found out while I was away the first trip that he has died.
To be clear, I don’t feel bad that my very much loved family members have died and gone to live with Jesus. I know they are healthy, happy, and in a much better place than we are. But I want my mom. I know my aunt and cousin aren’t ready to spend the rest of their lives without my uncle. I’ve decided there is no good way to lose a family member, quick or time to say goodbye – no good way. I’m tired of crying, feeling like I want to throw up one minute and wanting to stuff my face the next. My kids have no idea what to do with me. I couldn’t buy mother’s day cards and here comes father’s day. The other day (well, it was a couple weeks ago) I had to leave Wal Mart because an older lady came in leaning on her cart to hold herself up while pushing it and that’s what my mom did.
I know lots of my friends have learned to live without their mom, but how?? How do you do it?
I lost my Aunt three years ago this July, and I cry every day missing her. She was like another mom to me. We spent so much time together. i depend heavily on the beautiful memories I have of her. I can close my eyes and still feel like we are together because I can hear her voice so clearly. She loved the birds, Cardinals, and they have invaded my neighborhood.It makes me feel like she is with me when I see them all around. it's so hard Julie. And sometimes it's just impossible to even try to stop the tears. I have lost it in some strange places because something reminded me of my Aunt. I know how your heart feels. I have more family in heaven than on earth now. Sending you hugs and prayers!!!!!
ReplyDeleteOh Julie, I know just a small portion of your pain. I haven't lost my mom but in January my healthy, strong uncle got up to have breakfast with his family and said he wasn't feeling good. Once they figured out he was having a heart attack they rushed him to the hospital and by that afternoon they were leaving without him. TOTAL SHOCK for our family. Less than a month later my grandmother passed away. It was far more expected but still horrible, especially coming off of the loss of my uncle. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
ReplyDeleteJulie, I'm so sorry to hear all that you and your family have been going through. My prayers are with you.
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